I've been thinking again (sorry) since my last post, the mega post. Perhaps the missing link is recalibration. So, I have taken a few days off, and spent some very valuable and enjoyable time doing things that healthy happy people seem to find time to do, namely exercising, focusing on food, and talking to friends.
The main thing I have done is swim. Miles and miles and miles. It cleanses the head whilst cleansing the body, it makes me challenge myself and feel how my body works, and I can do it, far more than I would ever imagine.
The other thing I have been doing a lot of is tinkering around with sourdough, and I know have 2 viable starters, a lovely bowl of sponge bubbling away under a cloth in the garden, and 2 loaves ready to bake. It has been an interesting process, requiring endless patience and care, openmindedness and dedication. It is a tremendously therapeutic process.
Therapy. It's peculiar how in a world so obsessed with therapy, there seems to be so very little of it. Small therapies such as keeping yeast alive, and baking, swimming and thinking are so incredibly soothing and powerfully recalibrating. We should all do it, much much more often.
Being out of work for a few days has also given me a bit of long overdue clarity. Time to write down what it is that's wrong, what needs to change, and most importantly what I like and want to keep doing. The phrase that keeps coming to mind is about making a difference, and my area of interest is still so firmly emotional health and well being, or lack thereof.
And then, while I'm thinking about what kind of thing I would really love to do, an opportunity to do just that presents itself. Not an open door yet, per se, but certainly a shiny letterbox to be peeked through. And peek I will.
It's a shame I'm not religious. No, I say shame, that's the wrong word. I mean religious people would have lots to say about these kinds of epiphany. As a person who knows she stands on a big rock within a vast blue sky, it makes me very conscious that sometimes, you have to stop, consult the map, figure out where you're trying to get to, maybe have a bit of lunch, take a deep breath, and see where it takes you.